I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
