be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
