I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize