I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
