I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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