just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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