I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Never joke about your clitoris.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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