It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
