oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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