is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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