i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
