if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
