maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
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More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
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I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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