The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
