he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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