dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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