Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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