But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
