I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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