ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
