this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
