I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
