Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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