Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
