My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
