its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
