dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
