Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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