On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
im calling her cock vulture from now on
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Randomize
