my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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