I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
