Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
