Me. At least after what I've been through.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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