Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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