If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
