She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
