drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
