Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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