Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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