i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
