I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
