OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I need to calm my uterus...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
