i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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