I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
