i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
