i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
