I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
