I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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