So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My dad is sitting where you rode me
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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