I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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