Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
