You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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