Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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