Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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