There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
