he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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