So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
