YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
