Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
