Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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