Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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